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Tom West: 2003 looks to be a three-ring
year
Budgeteer News
Last Updated: Friday,
January 03rd, 2003 11:52:11 AM
Step right up, folks. Have we got a three-ring year for you.
You may think that some of our acts are of low interest, but that’s just
mortgages. C’mon in. You’ve got to see it to believe it.
Here at Amazing Anticipated Amusements, the hits in our 2003 show will just keep
on coming.
Consider the National Sideshow with Washington at center stage. Is that a
dancing bear there? No, that’s a rare caged Saddam, now in exile, who will
realize in February that discretion is the better part of valor. He will soon be
enjoying life on the shores of Tripoli — literally.
And who will be on the stage to the right? Those long lines you see waiting to
get in the tent are Americans awaiting their smallpox vaccinations. Some of
Saddam’s fans won’t take the hint that retirement has its benefits. In
response, we see a marked improvement in the public health routines of average
Americans, but perhaps not before some pay a dear price for simply being
American.
And on the left? Why that’s none other than North Korea’s Kim Jong II who
will show off his disappearing nukes. Soon he will get training on how to do it
from his Chinese sponsors. The Chinese will be concerned that if Taiwanese
knock-offs enter the nuclear market, they could put both the Chinese and North
Koreans out of business.
With the fans pouring in to see these don’t-wanna-miss hits, don’t expect
much activity on the stock market stage, the 401(k) stage, or even the economic
recovery stage until late in the year at the earliest.
Other new acts sure to charm you in the Washington tent this year are Antonin
Scalia, performing as the chief justice in place of the recently retired William
Rehnquist; Trent Lott serving as a funeral director for aging Republicans; and
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who at year’s end will be preparing to
surgically remove the veep from Dick Cheney’s heart.
Over at the Minnesota tent, 2003’s main attraction will be Tim Pawlenty and
the Disappearing Deficit. The governor has to make more than $4.5 billion in red
ink disappear by June 30, 2005, but the real trick will be making $650 million
disappear by June 30 this year. Watch the governor wave his cape and make 2,000
or 3,000 state workers disappear in January. Watch him wave it again in the
spring and make local government aid — and along with it several thousand
local government employees around the state — disappear.
Watch some of them reappear as highway construction workers after the governor
pushes through a multi-billion dollar road construction bonding package.
See state parks shut down over the summer or, in a few cases, returned to the
counties where they are located. See the State Planning Agency disappear. See
the high school graduation standards vanish, or at least be magically
transformed into something else.
Abracadabra, and, poof, 12 percent of state government is vaporized. Caution:
Some audience members may become unruly during this performance.
One trick Pawlenty won’t be able to perform is the construction of a new
stadium for the Twins or the Vikings. Watch the Twins disappear permanently
after this season comes to an end.
And in the Duluth tent, there will be special fireworks displays all year long
as the election of a new ringmaster to replace Gary Doty comes ever closer.
Soon, very soon, City Council performances will look like the Last Supper with a
dozen candidates jockeying for position. Council meetings will run even longer
than they already do because it will take a while to seat all of the non-council
candidates in the few coveted seats where they can be seen behind the speakers
on PACT TV. Length will also be an issue because ringmaster candidates now on
the council will feel obligated to speak on absolutely every issue.
Be sure to come back for the second show after the primary, folks. It will
feature Rep. Tom Huntley and Charlie Bell duking it out in a battle to the
finish. And the winner is …? For the sake of argument, let’s say Bell by
less than 300 votes, although in January it seems like it could go either way.
If Huntley becomes mayor, Harry
Welty will win the special election to fill Huntley’s starring role at the
Legislature.
Meanwhile, Donny Ness, Ken Hogg, Rob Stenberg, Russ Stewart and Russ Stover will
all have their contracts renewed for their City Council roles should they desire
to continue. At least one of them will make a bid for mayor.
The same cannot be said for the school board act, which
will have at least one new face (a given since Gary Krause is running for
ringmaster), possibly two if Welty runs for the Legislature, and a third if it
seems incapable of dealing with the new harsher budget realities that all local
governments will be facing.
As for the sports show, the Twins will again make the playoffs but not the World
Series in their swan song. The Timberwolves will be eliminated again in three
straight games in the playoffs. The Wild will advance to the second round of the
Stanley Cup playoffs. The Vikings will be a wild card team with a 10-6 record
next fall. This year, Philadelphia will beat Oakland for the Super Bowl.
In the collegiate ring, the UMD Bulldog women will win their third straight
Oscar in hockey. The Bulldog men will make it to the Final Five of the WCHA
playoffs. The Bulldog football team will forget its lines twice next fall. The
Gopher football team will finish second in the Big Ten with three losses and go
to a major bowl. The Gopher basketball team will make the NCAA tournament and be
eliminated in the first or second round.
It’s going to be a wild show, folks, Step right up, buy your tickets and
c’mon in to 2003.
Tom West is the editor and publisher of the Budgeteer News. He may be reached
by telephone at 723-1207 or by e-mail at tom.west@duluth.com. |
